Sex in Dating: 3 considerations
When dating, each person needs to decide whether and how sexual they are going to be. These 3 considerations can help you decide.
Should you be sexual while you are dating?
There are no shoulds! Each woman gets to decide what is right for her. I give you permission to be as sexual as you want while dating!
I offer these suggestions for deciding whether to be sexual. They are based on my dating journey, chronicled in my upbeat memoir, Fifty First Dates After Fifty, and on the advice of dating coaches I recommend (see my Dating Resources)
Sex in Dating: 3 Considerations
Here are 3 things to consider before being sexual while dating, based on what you know about yourself:
1) Your sexual herstory
Are you coming out of a long asexual period? If so, you may want to ease into being sexual slowly. Find workshops or groups that introduce you safely to touch and sensuality (Massage, tantra etc.) Or, you may be eager for sex! What is true for you?
Have you had sexual trauma in the past? If so, be sure you have healed it as much as you can before being sexual. Specifically, know your boundaries and believe in your own ‘yes’ and ‘no.’ Attend workshops that teach how to respect your own boundaries.
Are you used to a satisfying sexual life, with yourself, a partner or partners? If so, you may want to be sexual with your dates, or wait until you find a partner.
2) Your current sexual wants and needs
Do you feel a drive to be sexual now, before you have found a partner? If so, my tips in my next blog post on staying safe emotionally and physically should help you. If not, don’t push yourself. Some of my tips might help.
Can sex be a playful, fun activity for you or does it mean you are now committed? If sex is playful for you, then enjoy it without expecting more. If sex means commitment, then be honest with yourself and your dates and don’t be sexual until you both agree to that.
3) Your dating goals
Do you want to date a lot of people before deciding on a partner? If so, my upcoming tips on staying safe emotionally and physically might help.
Do you want to just date one person at a time until you find the right person? If so, some of my tips might help.
Are you looking for a partner for a sexual relationship or a nonsexual one? It is totally fine to look for a partner who wants companionship more than sex. There are plenty of men who want that – and you only need one! My tips apply to those who want a sexual relationship.
Why might you want to be sexual while dating?
Being sexual while dating is a risk to our hearts and our bodies. We can get hurt. Why would we want to take that risk?
Living passionately
Many of us want to live passionately and to boldly throw ourselves into the fire of life, not to get burned, but to feel everything. We take risks that might lead to big rewards, because we want our light, our life, to shine bright.
Being Brave Daters
It is brave to be passionate and bold while dating. Brave daters purposely throw ourselves into the fire of dating and take risks. We may ask men out rather than wait to be asked, or make love or sleep with men on an early date, rather than wait until we know them better.
Being Sexual Women
Sexuality might be the ultimate fire of life, and many of us take risks with our heart and body to feel all the rewards of sensuality and sexuality. However, when we get burned, we need ways to take good care of ourselves. That is the subject of the next blog post (Sex in Dating: 8 Self-loving Tips).
How I decided whether to be sexual
I thrive on touch and sex. In my 40s, I vowed to continue being sexual and sleeping with men, whether or not I had a partner, and I had a series of lovers and short relationships.
In my late 50s, I started dating in earnest, determined to find a long-term partner. My goal was to date fifty men, and I was determined to enjoy touch and sexuality along the way to finding a partner, not just when I found him.
I didn’t want to depend on my dates for touch and sex, because I wanted to evaluate them without that sexual pull swaying my opinion as it had so many times before. But I wanted to enjoy my sexual energy while I dated. Now that I was in my 50s, it felt like a force I wanted to nurture and keep alive. And who knew how long it would take to find a partner?
Since I wanted to be sexual, I had to find ways to take good care of my heart and body so I could keep dating and find my partner. You can read the whole story about how I did that in my memoir, Fifty First Dates After Fifty. Or you can read the upcoming blog post (Sex in Dating: 8 Self-loving Tips) for the summary!
If you decide to be sexual….
If you decide to be sexual while dating, see my upcoming blog post for ways to stay safe emotionally and physically (Sex in Dating: 8 Self-loving Tips). Or read my memoir, Fifty First Dates After Fifty. You might also enjoy my blog post, Dating and a Woman’s Heart.
Above all, do what is best for you so you can enjoy dating!