9 Ways Fifty First Dates Illustrates How to Not Die Alone
How To Not Die Alone and Fifty First Dates After Fifty
How To Not Die Alone, by Logan Ury, is the best dating advice book ever! In an upbeat and encouraging way, Logan presents a ton of wisdom on dating, selecting a partner, and nurturing a relationship. It’s all based on behavioral research and her experience as a dating coach.
How to Not Die Alone rang so true for me! I discovered much of the same wisdom on my own dating path in my late fifties, recounted in Fifty First Dates After Fifty: A Memoir.
Although Logan’s advice is geared to people under 40 looking for their first partner, her advice (and her title!) applies just as well to older daters looking for their final partner. Fifty First Dates After Fifty can be seen as an entertaining illustration of Logan Ury’s best dating tips for women later in life.
Nine chapter titles in How to Not Die Alone say it all
These titles show both the wisdom and the charm of Ury’s dating tips:
- “Disney Lied to Us”
- “Don’t Let Perfect Be the Enemy of Great”
- “Don’t Wait, Date”
- “Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date”
- “You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong”
- “Meet People IRL (In Real Life)”
- “This Is a Date, Not a Job interview”
- “F**k the Spark”
- “Go on the Second Date”
A peek at these dating tips, and how Fifty First Dates After Fifty illustrates them
1. “Disney Lied to Us“
Logan Ury has an enlightening section for all of us Disney lovers. She shows that Disney made us believe that our perfect partner would come along and we’d know them when we saw them.
Because I’m a big Disney fan, I didn’t realize until my late fifties that I had to search for my partner rather than expect him to just appear, and that I needed to experience a wide variety of men before I could tell who would be best for me. So I created a dating research project: go out with 50 different men and take note of who I responded to.
2. “Don’t Let Perfect Be the Enemy of Great“
Logan Ury points out that we are used to researching things thoroughly before finding the perfect product. This creates the dating fallacies that a) enough research will lead you to the perfect person, and b) the right person is the same for everyone. But there is no perfect person, and only we can say who is right for us.
Dating was a research project for me, but not an infinite one. I learned what type of man I wanted by dating. The man I chose had the most of what I desired in a partner. He was perfect for me, not for others.
3. “Don’t Wait, Date“
Logan Ury suggests that you need to date a lot to get better at dating and to find out what you like, and the sooner you start the better.
This is so true! Practice makes perfect and produces results! I challenged myself to go on dates with 50 men, including those who were not my ‘type,’ or even partner material, so I could practice dating and find my match as soon as possible. (See my blog post, Why 50 Dates?) The goal of 50 first dates forced me to get out there and date many men.
4. “Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date“
Logan Ury points out that the qualities that we (and the dating apps) think are important – age, height, weight, looks, exciting activities, spontaneity—may not be those that will make us happy in the long-term.
This chapter made me realize that my former boyfriend was more of a prom date. By going out with a variety of men, I expanded the type of man I considered for a life partner. I also looked for the types of relationships that would work for me in the long-term, rather than in the moment.
5. “You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong“
Logan Ury suggests that if you have a type and you are still single, maybe that type is not working for you!
My former boyfriend was a Buddhist beach boy, a type I loved, but he didn’t want to commit long-term. I was afraid I’d look for his type again, so I purposely went out with a variety of men, even those who didn’t seem like partner material, to open myself to other types.
6. “Meet People IRL (In Real Life)“
Logan Ury encourages us to go from texting in the dating apps to meeting IRL as soon as possible, because meeting people IRL is the only way to tell what it is like to be with them. She also has ideas of how to meet people IRL.
This was true for me. Only eight of my dates were from dating apps, so in Fifty First Dates After Fifty I had a variety of ways to meet men IRL. (See my blog post, Where Did I Find 50 Men?)
7. “This is a Date, not a Job interview“
Logan Ury suggests getting out of the coffee shop and planning interesting dates to help you experience each person.
Only three of my dates were in coffee shops, so Fifty First Dates After Fifty is full of examples of different types of dates.
8. “F**k the Spark“
This is Logan Ury’s most surprising advice: Having a spark doesn’t indicate that this is your life partner. We have sparks with prom dates and our ‘type,’ but the spark will die, and we need to consider qualities that will enhance our life in the long run. Therefore, we need to be curious about who might be good for us, and not disqualify anyone based on dating app criteria of age, height, weight, looks, etc.
All my life I followed the sparks into relationships. Although I was tempted by sparks in Fifty First Dates After Fifty—and there were lots!— I also got good at looking beyond the spark.
9. “Go on the Second Date“
Logan Ury recommends always going on a second date, so we don’t rule out people just because they don’t seem right at first. She teaches people to look for the positive in their dates so they overcome their mind’s tendency to look for what is wrong. This takes practice.
I had gone to many workshops on relationships, so I was experienced in listening, being curious, looking for the good in others, and not taking things personally. I used all these skills on my dates and usually went on second dates because I didn’t want to miss any possible partner.
Fifty First Dates After Fifty illustrates How to Not Die Alone for over 50s
Fifty First Dates After Fifty: A Memoir illustrates the main dating tips in How To Not Die Alone for midlife and older women and men. These dating perspectives led me to my perfect partner.
Dating is a long-term project, and you need to build in support among your friends, community, and others.