Loving being Single Leads to Partner!

Happy woman in bright pink scarves loving being single!

How Loving being Single Led Me to My Partner

This is what I looked like when I was loving being single! But when I started dating in my late 50s, I was not loving being single. I was focused on finding a committed partner and I had a great way to find him.

My dating plan to find a partner

I challenged myself to go on 50 first dates with a variety of men to see what type would match me the best. The goal of 50 would give me forward momentum, so I would not pine after men who were not right for me, but keep going until I found my match. And this worked for a while.

Getting discouraged by dating

By date 34, however, after one and a half years, I was getting discouraged. A few men with partner potential had rejected me.  And I was rejecting men who clearly wanted commitment and gravitating towards men who were not available.

What was I looking for?

I needed to get clear on who or what I was looking for, so I signed up for a tele-seminar called “Singles Breakthrough to Love, Breakthrough to Relationship, [1]” for singles who wanted to be in a relationship.

A vision of a partner

In that class, we did the usual exercise of creating a vision of the partner and relationship we wanted.  This included listing what we loved about ourselves and what we were willing to give to a partner, as well as the qualities we wanted in a partner.   While that was clarifying, what really helped me was this exercise:

Loving being single: what I appreciated

I wrote down everything I loved about being single, and I spent time appreciating them.. 

Some of the things I appreciated:

  • Making plans with different friends any time I wanted to
  • Making travel plans to go anywhere I wanted (like Greece!)
  • Staying out late dancing with a stranger in a magical studio
  • Driving through beautiful Napa Valley on the way to a workshop
  • Anticipating new and old friends I would meet at the workshop
  • Flirty conversations on the phone with potential dates
  • Meeting and dating a variety of men
  • Peaceful time at my house reading or listening to my favorite music
  • Having different lovers I could count on for touch

Including it in the vision

Then the teacher encouraged us to include what we loved about being single in a detailed vision of a relationship.

Really?  But I was looking for a committed partner!  How could I include things like wanting to spend time alone and have different lovers?  But I included them, and here is what happened:

Loving being single

That summer and fall, I enjoyed being single and dating so much that I could imagine re-starting my 50-date goal—I was loving my life as it was! Besides dating, I was enjoying my friends (I was at a show with a girlfriend in this happy picture).

Finding a partner who fit the vision

The following winter, as I approached my goal of 50 dates, I planned a trip to the Greek Islands by myself for my 60th birthday. Soon after that someone appeared who seemed right.  After a series of dates, I knew he was. For one, he wanted both commitment and the option to see other lovers, just as I did.  Plus he honored my alone time and wanted to travel to the same places.  Later I read my detailed vision.  He matched it exactly.

You can read about my whole dating journey in my memoir, Fifty First Dates After Fifty. And that trip to Greece? I had planned it for myself… and he went with me! That story is in the book.

Almost 12 years later, we are still together.  All because I included what I really wanted in my vision.   Are you wondering how visions work?  See my post: Solstice is for Visioning.

Are you loving being single?

What do you really love about being single?  Can you include that in your vision of a partner?

[1] Put on by Loveworks Solution: https://loveworkssolution.com/

Published by Carolyn Lee Arnold

I'm the author of Fifty First Dates After Fifty: A Memoir, about my dating adventures to find my perfect partner in my late fifties. I found him, and we've been happily together for over 10 years. These blog posts explore what I learned while dating and from writing my book. For more about the book, including dating resources, other writings, and fun interviews with me, check out my website at the top of this page.

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