How Loving being Single Led Me to My Partner
This is what I looked like when I was loving being single! But when I started dating in my late 50s, I was not loving being single. I was focused on finding a committed partner and I had a great way to find him.
My dating plan to find a partner
I challenged myself to go on 50 first dates with a variety of men to see what type would match me the best. The goal of 50 would give me forward momentum, so I would not pine after men who were not right for me, but keep going until I found my match. And this worked for a while.
Getting discouraged by dating
By date 34, however, after one and a half years, I was getting discouraged. A few men with partner potential had rejected me. And I was rejecting men who clearly wanted commitment and gravitating towards men who were not available.
What was I looking for?
I needed to get clear on who or what I was looking for, so I signed up for a tele-seminar called “Singles Breakthrough to Love, Breakthrough to Relationship, ” for singles who wanted to be in a relationship.
A vision of a partner
In that class, we did the usual exercise of creating a vision of the partner and relationship we wanted. This included listing what we loved about ourselves and what we were willing to give to a partner, as well as the qualities we wanted in a partner. While that was clarifying, what really helped me was this exercise:
Loving being single: what I appreciated
I wrote down everything I loved about being single, and I spent time appreciating them..
Some of the things I appreciated:
- Making plans with different friends any time I wanted to
- Making travel plans to go anywhere I wanted (like Greece!)
- Staying out late dancing with a stranger in a magical studio
- Driving through beautiful Napa Valley on the way to a workshop
- Anticipating new and old friends I would meet at the workshop
- Flirty conversations on the phone with potential dates
- Meeting and dating a variety of men
- Peaceful time at my house reading or listening to my favorite music
- Having different lovers I could count on for touch
Including it in the vision
Then the teacher encouraged us to include what we loved about being single in a detailed vision of a relationship.
Really? But I was looking for a committed partner! How could I include things like wanting to spend time alone and have different lovers? But I included them, and here is what happened:
Loving being single
That summer and fall, I enjoyed being single and dating so much that I could imagine re-starting my 50-date goal—I was loving my life as it was! Besides dating, I was enjoying my friends (I was at a show with a girlfriend in this happy picture).
Finding a partner who fit the vision
The following winter, as I approached my goal of 50 dates, I planned a trip to the Greek Islands by myself for my 60th birthday. Soon after that someone appeared who seemed right. After a series of dates, I knew he was. For one, he wanted both commitment and the option to see other lovers, just as I did. Plus he honored my alone time and wanted to travel to the same places. Later I read my detailed vision. He matched it exactly.
You can read about my whole dating journey in my memoir, Fifty First Dates After Fifty. And that trip to Greece? I had planned it for myself… and he went with me! That story is in the book.
Almost 12 years later, we are still together. All because I included what I really wanted in my vision. Are you wondering how visions work? See my post: Solstice is for Visioning.
Are you loving being single?
What do you really love about being single? Can you include that in your vision of a partner?